Right now I’m at a point in my life where I need to decide
which path I need to go for one academic school year. This time I’m not even talking or thinking
about changing my major, I’m actually talking about my life and whether I want to
take a long break from school for 1 academic school year ( due to doctor’s
orders) or continue on my studies since I am so close to completing one of my
long term goals. God, I have a lot of
regret from my past and the opportunities I could have in completing one more
step closer to my dream. I know, I
shouldn’t think like that because there are some things in life that can’t be
helped. I definitely need to relax, by
meditating or do some kind of exercise.
I am so tired of being tired and need to take care of my health and
treat it as my first priority in life!
Sometimes, I wonder if the universe is trying to tell me
something by making me stuck in limbo for so long? There are times I wonder if I’m not meant to
finish school and to pursue something that doesn’t really require higher
education? But if I attempt to drop out
of school, what can I really do for a living?
I know that I’m not another Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, or Mark Zuckerberg(?) But I dunno what to do though, if I really
take that year off what would happen? I
would probably get lazy and not do anything productive. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me to
take a break from school and start enjoying my life…..like doing things that
I’ve always wanted to do but never got the courage to do……like to lose the
excess weight, perhaps build up to be a runner(?), travel more, meditate more, write a novel/autobiography,
attempt to find love in one year, etc.
Sigh, I guess I’ll never know the answer of what’s my
purpose in life if I never give it a try.
I shouldn’t be scared of life and just embrace my life with faith that
everything is going to be fine. I need
to be more optimistic again like back in childhood. God, I hate the fact that my own life hasn’t
really changed since I was 15 years old.
Due to my health conditions, that I have been diagnosed about 10 years
ago I really regret wasting a lot time due to my illnesses. There are times that I wonder what life would
be like lf I really went through committing suicide back in those dark times in
high school. Would anybody care? I know some of my close friends would care
but my some of my family members would probably say messed up things that would
piss anyone off. Especially, my dad he
told me that I am bad luck to the family and that I should go ahead and attempt
suicide with that knife in my hand.
Looking back I would say that I’m glad that I made it through the dark
times of my high school years. I would
say that I lack a lot of love in my life….love from family, friends, and
significant others. I would confront my
dad and what he said to me that time, but I can just forget about it because he
won’t remember saying that and that I am used to this kind negativity in this
household. It’s really unfortunate
though because my parents are supposed to be role models for me. However, they weren’t exactly parents that
showed their affection to my sister and me, instead they showed their anger,
negativity, and screaming and yelling at my sister and me. Sometimes, I wonder how come my sister came
out to be more “normal”, while I was growing with her? I don’t know, maybe she’s better off hiding
her feelings from her friends and coworkers, however she does like to take out
her anger out on me and our family. I
feel so lost in life because of… everything.
I really want to leave from this god-awful place that some people
would call “home”. For me, I feel that
this is an empty home because there is no love, affection, or communication
through this household. I know that I’m
lucky in some ways but unfortunate in many ways in this household. I always wanted to move to the East Coast
after high school and meet someone worth my time in college. However, that dream was shattered when I was
told by my doctor at the time that I won’t be attending to an University. I should totally forget the old dream of
moving out to the East Coast and starting a new life there. I probably would rather travel to different
countries and get away from the San Francisco Bay Area for awhile.
Even though I still have this crush on this guy I don’t even
know back from high school… maybe I should just forget about him already
because it’s been years since I last saw him, he probably wouldn’t even
remember me since it was back in high school, and that maybe I was in denial
that he secretly liked me too. I know,
it’s easier said than done. I got to
realize that it’s not going to happen, that we weren’t meant to be because if
we were would’ve become friends or at least facebook friends by now. I finally saw the movie “Serendipity” that my
friend totally recommended me to watch, since I totally bugged my friend about
my crush. Well, I guess I could look at
situation in two different ways which is an optimistic or pessimistic point of
view on the situation. They say that the
word “Serendipity” means a fortunate accident.
Even though I went to OHS for high school because I secretly wanted to
get away from people from my past, I guess I accidently saw a guy that I
started getting a crush on sometime during high school. However, I guess it was also considered a
right place but wrong time for me to start having a crush on him, because that
was around the time that I was diagnosed with some heartbreaking illnesses
that no one should ever go through. My god, I was only a teenager at time when I
found out what was wrong with me.
