Have you ever...

Feel like you hit a point in your life where things don't seem to change or improve?  Maybe it's because I expect too much too in life without putting effort into my life.  Gosh, I feel like my life is getting shittier and shittier while I see everyone around me is getting better and progressing somehow in life.  (Don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, it's just that sometimes I wish that I could be happy like them).  Anyways, the other night I hit another low point when my sister and childhood friend gave me another mini-intervention about my life.  My childhood friend said that I looked upset after they gave me another mini-intervention that night.  Of course I would be fucking upset, who wouldn't be after getting a mini-intervention from your own sister and childhood friend?!!!!   Long story short, my sister and childhood friend said that I can't always depend on them to hang out.  They said that I need to expand my circle of friends and broaden my horizons.  I already told them that I have problems meeting new people and keeping the friendships.  Especially when I told them my past failed friendships with new people.  I told them it's hard enough that I'm shy and don't have anything to talk about, plus that I'm ashamed of myself.  I'm ashamed that I still haven't finished school while other people I know are getting their master's degree and graduated from that program.  Plus, I'm ashamed that I'm ill and will always need to cover up my illness as it doesn't exist.  But you know what I'm tired of keeping this illness as a secret, I have not done anything wrong, it's not a crime to have this disease, I did not choose this be like this.  This illness I can never really talk about it openly because I know I will be judged immediately. people will look at me funny or in disbelief, will treat me differently and perhaps be scared of me or pity me, etc.  Anyways, what I need is support from my family and loved ones.  I feel upset that my own sister and childhood friend still don't understand what I'm going through.   It's bad enough that I'm diagnosed with illness and that I have to live this illness until the day I die, but to have my own sister and childhood friend to not understand me and to tell me that I need to move on and that I can't always hang out with them that's just too much to handle.  Personally, I think that my sister and my childhood friend is getting sick of hanging out me and think that I'm boring to hang out with.  It really hurts me when she said that I haven't been the same since my early college years, and then she changed her mind and said since high school actually.  Of course you fucking clueless idiot, that I was diagnosed with this terrible illness and had to get hospitalize the first time.  I can't believe my own sister don't even acknowledge that I changed that summer after getting discharged from the hospital.  I already told my best friend that I'm going to make this situation from a negative incident into a positive opportunity.  I mean my other childhood friends say the thing over the years that I hella need to break off the friendship from my childhood friend and that I can't do anything about my sister because she's family.  I've been silent about the breaking off the friendship for years, decades, probably forever if I keep all these secrets in me according to my best friend.  Before, I said it is complicated to break off the friendship because my parents knows her parents, my sister is friends with her, we go to school together, etc.  I still can't believe that I was brave enough to start over my life at OHS instead of going to TN because I wanted to get away from my sister and my childhood friend.  I mean I still regret missing out certain moments/memories made during my other friends experience at TN.  But you know what?  I had no choice, I wanted to break free from all this nasty, mean spirited, bitchy, negativity from my sister and my childhood friend.  I somehow survived my freshmen year at OHS and ended up transferring to TN during the beginning of my sophomore year but soon transferred back to OHS because a lot of my friends at TN forgot about me, ignored me, moved away, etc. which me feel sad, insecure, and stressed out due to the schoolwork and felt very isolated during that time especially since I just discharged from the hospital not that long ago.  I think my childhood friend was purposely ignoring me and wouldn't accept me in her damn little Asian trio.  I can't believe I let her treat me like shit after all these years and that she's no better than me.  She practically ran back to me when her two besties went to UCB...damnit and she's been using me this whole time.   She has some nerve to tell me that I should know new people when she herself is practically in the same fucking boat.  Grr....this pisses me off that she does shit to me from ditching me at Disneyland, opening my bank account statement with my sister and made fun of me, to ditching me again with my sister at Seattle, saying shitty things to me and that she actually gets away with it, etc.  Like damn, maybe I should find new friends to hang out with because it's not worth it to keep this abusive friendship anymore.  I need to find new friends that will be loving, supportive, and that we click so well.  To be continued....