This is what's on my mind....

          As the days, weeks, and months pass by, I can’t help but think of him and what’s he’s doing right now.  My friends probably think that I’m nuts to still have a secret crush on him, after all I haven’t seen him since high school.  Omg…this looks really bad on my part, especially since I’ve been sorta “stalking” him through facebook.  I know, how sad and pathetic am I?  Not only that, before facebook, it was myspace, and before that it was calling up “psychics” and asking about him.

          I know, everybody tells me to just go be friends with him on facebook already.  Knowing me, I always think of “what if he ignores me, what if he doesn’t remember me, what if he said no, or says something mean to me.”  One of my buddies says that it doesn’t work out on facebook then I should really let him go already because it wasn’t meant to be.  God, why do I have to be so scared of rejection?  Or even worse, it could be awkward if I told my crush how I feel about him.  I dunno, maybe I should do something about the situation and take action already because this on-going dwelling about him… after all these years is getting me nowhere!!!

          On new year’s eve, I said to myself that this is the year that I will make a move on my secret crush or forget about him.   Of course, no one really knows about this resolution about whether I should take action on my secret crush except me.  However, everyone practically knows my other new year’s resolutions because I say it like every year.  Like, I always say this is going to be the year that I finally lose the weight.  I should make losing weight as a number # 1 priority  for me this year.  Because I have been saying that I will lose the weight every year but can never seem to accomplish that goal.  Now, that I think about it, my weight is the major reason that I haven’t been able to do things that ordinary people can do.  I haven’t been able to go on a shopping spree and buy a lot of “skinny girl” clothes, look pretty by having a huge makeover (because even if I do a huge makeover right now, I wouldn’t look that great cuz of my low self-esteem, confidence, and how my family would criticize me),  to be able to get edgy looking hair-cuts and actually pull it off, to wear some dresses, skirts, shorts, boots, heels, etc.  To actually look like a girl for once in my life, have the confidence to make new friends and actually have something to talk about besides school, attract some guys to go on some dates, fall in love, get married, etc.