What’s on my mind right now…

I desire a lot out of life like finding happiness, love, money, laughter, good health, etc., etc., etc.  But I have to realize that I need to enjoy being in the moment and don’t think too far in the future.  I can’t help it though because every time I go on facebook it seems as if someone I know, went to school with, or seen before in school or through friends are either getting engaged, married, celebrating their anniversary, etc.  I feel so left out in love.  I haven’t felt loved in a very looooooooooooooooong time.  I don’t know if my subconscious is sending out vibes/signals that won’t allow me look for guys after what happened to me when I was younger.  (I wrote something about that situation in an earlier post a few months back).  However, some of my close girlfriends that have known me since elementary school says that I’m still insecure about myself and that I need to get over this before I can find love.  In other words I need to learn to love myself and accept myself again before I can love anyone else!!!  I agree with them and I need to get over all these issues that I have bottled up all these years.  I really want to find love this year, however the year is almost over though.  It would be a freaking miracle that I do find love before 2014 is over.  To be continued….

Congrats to the SF Giants!!!  Tonight history is made because the SF Giants won the World Series again!!!

Omg, did anybody felt that earthquake last night?

I felt the earthquake and quickly got out of bed and headed to the doorway for protection, as soon as I got to the doorway the earthquake was over.  Fortunately, nobody in my family got hurt.  A few hours later I got a text from a relative in China asking if we were ok?  It didn’t occur to me that the earthquake in American Canyon is as major as the ’89 San Francisco earthquake until someone told me the facts of last night’s earthquake.  Thank God that my best friend that lives in American Canyon was not in town during that time and that her family is fine!!!  I’m glad that I was away from any dangers of a natural disaster unlike the ’89 SF earthquake.  Even though I don’t remember the ’89 earthquake since I was a toddler, but according to my mom she claimed that an old, big, bulky television set almost fell on top of me if it wasn’t for my mom saving me!!!   I hope no more natural disasters will occur in the nearby future and that I stay away from any harm!!!  I also hope that nobody that I know got hurt from the impact from the earthquake.

I Can’t Believe It!!!.....

                   On Friday/May.23^rd, 2014 was my CCSF graduation ceremony (and one of my childhood friend’s birthday).  I can’t believe that I finally fricking completed my AA degree at CCSF!!!  I was really getting worried for the last few years whether or not I will fulfill this  goal.  I may be late completing this goal but at least I made it!!!  God, I can’t believe the ceremony went by hella fast, I mean it gives me anxiety to think about what’s my next step in life? 

Ø  I could take the remaining 3 general education classes in order to transfer to SFSU.

Ø  I could pick a vocational degree and forget about transferring to SFSU. For example, the culinary program, fashion design, or something in healthcare?

Ø  I could just look for work.

Ø  Figure out my interests/passions in life.

Ø  Start on my writing project(s) and see if that could lead into a career?

I noticed a lot people whether friends or family members have been telling me that I should start enjoying my life especially since I’m always preoccupied with school, homework, studying, etc.  Now that I finally reached one of my goals in life, I seriously need to think about or meditate on what I’m good at, my interests or passions in life and try to make a career out of that.   Actually, now that I think about it I should really write out a list of the things that I really want to do but never got a chance to it.  I think I did type out a list of things like a long time ago and never completed it!  The following list is just from the top of my head of what I want to do.

Ø  Lose weight(and stick to it and maintain that lifestyle)

Ø  Travel more(especially to international destinations)

Ø  Find Love(which means that I need to start looking and put myself out there)

Ø  Take care of my other health issues  

Ø  Etc., etc., etc.

Ever had those moments in life where nothing is going your way?

  Yeah, I’ve been feeling like that for quite a while now, many times I feel like I keep running into a brick wall no matter how hard I try to get around it.  Despite all these problems I’m having in my life, something inside of me is telling me that things will get better and who knows maybe it will all turn around for the better?

   Sometimes, I wonder after reading some of my old journal entries whether they’re from this site or my actual diary that I’m in denial about everything of how my life is and how much I wished it was something else….something a lot better than the life I’m living right now.  Especially when I see old friends/classmates for a get together I always feel that my life has been put on hold or pause for a very looooooooooooong time while I talk to my friends/ classmates and see them progressing in life.  I mean, I see a lot of people I use to go to school either getting engaged, married, pregnant, buying a house, making $$$ at a career that they are either good at or enjoy doing.  I know, I shouldn’t compare myself to others but I can’t help it because I don’t even have the basics down.  I definitely need to get my “shit” together if I want to progress in life.  Sigh, but I have to go back to reality and face the facts….I am sick.  People that I talk to now and then don’t even know the truth about me, it just upsets me that I can’t openly tell people that I’m sick and that’s the real reason why I’m struggling in school and in everything else in life.  People that used to go to school with me are usually surprised that I’m still in school because we used to hang out in the same circle of friends.  I mean, for God’s sake one of my old friends when I last hanged out with her was back in elementary school and saw her facebook where it states she’s graduated from med school not that long ago.  I can’t believe she already graduated from med school, I remember that she said she wanted to become a pediatrician when she grows up.  I can’t believe she followed through on her childhood dreams and actually became a pediatrician.  I mean, I already knew that she was hella hella hella smart for her age but damn, where did the time go?  I think she’s the only person from childhood that followed her dreams.  I’m proud that she followed her dreams and that I hanged out with her back in elementary school.  Well, she also had advantages than other people like….me.  My friend grew up in a loving family that didn’t abuse her but instead nurture her to reach her full potential.  Her parents invest their time and money in her by taking her to dance classes, piano lessons, had tutors, I think my friend also did some more extracurricular activities in school too.  Even though she’s also ABC like me and we used to live in the same neighborhood, I eventually realized during that time that she’s different from me in so many other ways.  Sometimes I think maybe my friend has a good life because she’s Christian?  I don’t know if I’m overgeneralizing Christians especially Chinese Christians or maybe it’s just a coincidence that I met a friend like her during elementary school?  I mean, I have met other ABC Christians but they are nowhere as close as my friend in academics, talent, and personality wise.  I dunno…sometimes I wonder if my life would be any different if I become a devoted Christian?

What's Been Bothering Me Lately...

Dear Journal,

            I’m at a point in my life where I really need to make a decision whether or not I should continue on with school.  I can’t believe that I finally fricking finished the G.E. requirements to get my A.A. degree last year.  I need to petition for graduation this semester.  I wished that I finished the requirements a lot sooner.  I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but I can’t help it because I see all these people transferring to other schools after a few years in community college.  Sigh… I wished people around me would be more understanding about what I’m going through, but they’re not because most people around me don’t understand or don’t know what the hell I’m going through right now.  One of my close friends made a good point and said that if I spent this much time in community college, it might take me just as long at State University or longer.  Not to mention, I still need to get my Master’s degree if I still want to pursue speech therapy.  I don’t know what to do because I really, really, really want to be start my career.  However, I need to be realistic because I need to make sure that I pass all my classes at State University and don’t drop or withdraw anymore classes ( if I decide to transfer).  My friend told me that if I do pursue more education that I really need to focus on my classes and not get stressed out when all the work starts getting harder, plus she also said that I shouldn’t drop or withdraw anymore at State because there’s this new rule where you can’t take that course a certain amount of times.  Plus, I would also need to get the dean and professors to sign this petition to let me take that course again and I would need to take a lot of upper division G.E. courses at State.  Omg, what am I going to do?  I also thought of studying art therapy if I don’t get into the Master’s program at State but art therapy also requires a master’s degree and that I would have to go to a private school because not a lot of schools offer art therapy.  God, I feel so stuck and frustrated that I can’t progress in school at the rate I want to.  Sometimes, I really do feel like that God has other plans for me because I’ve been struggling with a lot of classes at community college and had to repeat them so many times just to get a decent passing grade.  I wished that God could talk to me right now and tell me what the heck am I’m supposed to do in this lifetime?  I dunno….maybe I’m being ridiculous by thinking that God has better plans for me, instead of staying in school for this long?  I really wished that God would give me a big obvious sign/clue that better things are ahead of me and that I shouldn’t worry so much and let God take over.  Sigh, I need to be realistic about my life because my health is a very important priority in my life.  I totally need to stop stressing out so much about my life and just relax.  Let’s face it Anita, I’m not “normal” like the other college students.  Other college students are not facing my health issues and don’t know what’s it’s like to be me.  When I finally do make a decision about school, I need to remind myself that I fought many battles to get to where I am today.  I should be proud of myself and enjoy the fact that I put up one hell of a fight with school to get to where I am today.  I can’t believe that I spent this whole time in school, while others already got their Bachelor’s and Master’s degree.  A lot of people told me that getting that Bachelor’s degree or Master’s degree is not what I think it might turn out to be.  For some people that might mean a useless piece of paper, plus needing to pay back to student loans.  Actually, many people nowadays can’t find jobs related to their degree they majored in school. Or find a job that they hoped that they would make for their annual salary after all that hard work and years in school.  Sigh, I should really do something that I’m passionate about, the problem is that I’m still not sure what I’m good at.  Anyways, sometimes I wonder if that saying that if I just do what I love that the money will really do follow me?  To Be Continued...

                                                                                                                             XOXO,

                                                                                                                             Anita Yan 

Happy Lunar New Year Everybody!!!

I hope everybody will have a great year in the year of the horse!!!  Below are pictures of what we had on Lunar New Year’s Eve.

   On Saturday/ Jan. 25^th, 2014 Janice, Karen, and I went to the English Tea Rose.

Surprise Birthday Celebration!!!

On Wednesday January 8^th, Jan treated me to dinner at Old Town Sushi as an early birthday dinner.  Man, I got to say that Jan and Al are the master planners for surprises.  Even though I told Al to don’t do anything for my birthday because I hate surprises, well there’s some exceptions.  Anyways, as Jan and I was going back home, I was in a hurry to get into the house because I needed to hella use the bathroom!  As soon as I got into the house I saw my aunt and grandma on the couch.  I told them can’t talk gotta pee and walked passed my sis and into the bathroom.  No wonder I heard people cracking up about me while I was using bathroom.  As soon I got out of the bathroom and entered the kitchen Al surprised me by having KK coming over and decorated the kitchen and KK bought a European style cake for me made by Korean owners.  I don’t know why but Al choose to decorate the kitchen with Cinderella themed stuff because it made me feel like I was still a child.  Oh well, I guess that’s Al’s style to go overboard with the decorations of the party theme.   I can’t believe that I didn’t suspect anything suspicious especially when Jan told me that she was actually stalling me at Walgreen’s before we went to my place.  Plus Al told me that she was actually trying to get KK’s shoes into her room before I even noticed, however I didn’t notice her shoes cuz I hella needed to use the bathroom.  We ate, chatted, and played games that night.  So glad that Al didn’t record what I said about the “I NEED TO PEE!!!” moment.  Omg, if she did I know she could’ve blackmailed me and put it on youtube, facebook, or some other social media site.  The next day my actually birthday January 9^th, was a pretty chillax day.  Just had a family dinner at a restaurant.  I actually ate no meat whatsoever on my birthday.  (My aunt actually told me to go vegetarian for my birthday and maybe on certain days on the lunar calendar in order to improve my luck this year!)  What I got instead was a mild case of vertigo and had to go see a doctor the next day!  At least the vertigo is not as bad as the 1^st time around a few years ago.  I don’t know why I had to get mild symptoms of vertigo when I woke up on my birthday.  I would have gone to see a doctor that day but didn’t want to because it’s was my birthday.  Man, going vegetarian for a day was really hard to do.  But I did it!!!  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

On NYE, I watched a comedy show with Alice and Janice at the Masonic auditorium.  As I walking down the streets of San Francisco’s Nob Hill I noticed that there’s so many young people dressed up for some kind of masquerade party at the hotels around the area.  I thought to myself that I should do that one day and dress up for a NYE’s masquerade party.  I told Janice and Alice about the idea while we were walking down the streets, and Jan immediately said that I should go for the next NYE.  However, I was hesitant because I still don’t feel confident about my body, and needed to dress up for the next NYE which means that would attract attention.  I know this would either attract either negative or positive attention depending how my much weight I will lose in 2014.  Jan and Alice probably already knew my answer before I told them why I’m kinda iffy about it.  As we were riding the Bart back home, Jan asked me what’s my new year’s resolutions for 2014?  I told Jan that my aunt told me that I should totally change it up and do something different from my usual answer.  Which is how Jan came up with the idea of me joining a marathon this year.  I was like “oh hell no”…..and then she said that I could start small like instead of doing a real marathon (which is like 23k) do the turkey trot which is like 5k.  Jan was saying that 5k should be nothing to me because it’s like the size of Lake Merced.  I told her I dunno because I would need to train for it.  Jan offered to join me in the turkey trot if I decide to do it.  Plus I could get Vivian to join us since she offered to join me in any marathon / walking event of my choice.  Jan said that I could walk the turkey trot and not worry about running it.  She also said that I should let her know by the end of January whether or not I want join the turkey trot.  Besides thinking about the turkey trot, I’m also thinking about seriously writing my book.  It doesn’t have to be a thick book, just as long as I get something written down on paper.  To Be Continued…