So Confused…

Okay, so I’m starting to think that my secret crush and the person that has been calling me all these years are two completely different people.  Man, I’m soooo confused who could this mysterious caller could be?!!! Especially since in one message on my home answering machine is in Cantonese and another one is in English/with some other foreign language.  Omigosh, I got really pissed off and upset after listening to  the most recent message on my home answering machine.  From what I understand after listening to the latest message a few times that there’s this guy that said that I need to get back from being thick to thin?  He said this word in a foreign language which I still have no idea what language that is?  But my best bet is that he wants me to lose weight.  I got sooo upset after listening to that message because it means that there’s someone (or some guys) that actually still likes me but won’t reveal who they are because I’m still fat.  It’s so confusing to figure out who these callers are because it could be one caller just different group of people calling me?  Or it could be two different callers speaking with their family or friends about me?  Anyways, I’m really upset and frustrated about this because this means that they’re ashamed to be seen with me because of my weight.  This secret admirer is confusing because he won’t reveal himself to me yet he still calls my home number and drives by my home in a white car flashing his headlights towards my window in the middle of the night.  It’s really bazaar cuz it’s like the driver in the white cars knows when I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night and purposely flash their headlights into my window.  As soon I look out the window this driver quickly drives away yet I still don’t know how the driver knows that I’m looking out the window though cuz I didn’t move my window blinds or turn on the lights??? Another bazaar thing is that this mysterious caller was talking about me with his group of friends and it sounded like they know a lot about my life which is really scary. I mean, how the hell do you know so much stuff about me?  It’s like this mysterious caller called a psychic or something and somehow got all the timing down to the dot.  But even if he did called a psychic there’s no way that a psychic could’ve gotten the time down to the dot.  Especially whenever I’m sleeping, how is it possible to know when I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night?  It’s like there’s a team of people cuz there’s this one time when I looked out the window to figure out who the hell this driver is and for some reason his phone lights up and he immediately drove away.  It’s like there’s someone on standby to text the driver to hurry up and drive away?  But still though how is this all possible though? And then on Christmas day 2017 when I went to the movie theatres with Alice and Janice I noticed this Asian man sitting nearby us in the lobby seats before the movie began.  I don’t know how to explain it but there was something about this Asian man that was familiar and suspicious about him?  I admit this Asian man doesn’t look like I’ve met him before.  However, I have to consider the fact that everyone looks different after high school.  I think my suspicion and intuition is actually right this time around cuz I saw this Asian man again at the Bart station today!!!  I’m still trying to figure out if this Asian man is in my grade or is an upper classmen from my high school? (One of Janice’s co-workers recognizes my face after we first met and she told me that she also has a twin!!!  I told Janice later after her co-worker left that I felt hella bad that I don’t recognize her especially since she’s an upper classmen at my high school!!!  How is it possible that a  senior remembers me, a freshmen at high school?  I understand that my high school is small but still there’s a lot of students at my high school compared to my middle school.)  I don’t know what to say…maybe it’s a coincidence about running into this Asian man at the Bart station today?  Weird?  Cuz let’s hypothetically say this Asian man is my secret admirer, wouldn’t it make sense to actually have a conversation with me instead of walking off very quickly? Whatever the situation is it’s like he knows when is the right time to run into me and get my attention? Let’s say this Asian man is in my grade back in high school, I would be hella surprised cuz he kinda looks a few grades older than me.  Despite what that stereotype/saying about Asian men don’t age as fast as Asian women do(I heard that saying a lot from other Asian women), I don’t know maybe he drank a lot of alcohol and smoked a lot cigars when he was in his twenties?  Or maybe he stresses out a lot, not enough sleep, partied too hard, etc.  I don’t know what it is about him but he had a serious look/ or maybe a nervous look on his face when he was sitting in the lobby sitting next to us at the movie theatre?  It’s weird cuz even though I’m pretty sure I’ve never met him before that look on his face in that moment in time looked familiar?  I think it’s possible it’s someone from my high school but it can’t be unless he doesn’t recognize me also?  Looks like I need to do some detective work and figure out who this is or at least the mysterious callers and drivers in the white cars driving by my window in the middle of the night!!!    I told my aunt about the messages on the answering machine and the white cars driving by my window in the middle of the night and she thinks it’s a coincidence and blew it off like it’s nothing. One of these days I going to get evidence for my aunt to listen to.  Sigh…I think she thinks I’m going crazy about this and I’m probably am cuz nobody believes me.  One of these days I will get evidence to prove to her that I’m right.  

So Where Do I Go From Here?

Okay, so I crashed and burned and looked at my secret crush’s social media stuff back in June.  I got some pretty surprising results from that experience.  After taking a long break from looking at his social media accounts I somehow “friendzoned” him after looking at his accounts?  How some might ask?  Even I don’t know…all I know is that I’m not obsessive looking at his social media accounts anymore?  Maybe a part of me realizes that this is getting me nowhere since he never once contacted me or friended me or add me or etc. on the social media accounts.  Another part of me realizes that another reason that this is getting me nowhere is because I’m NOT putting myself out there and letting him know that I’m interested in him and put myself on the map to let him know that I exist.  Yes, I admit I feel soooo insecure about myself whenever I compare myself to other girls that could’ve been my secret crush’s girlfriend.  Especially back in high school, there’s so many girls that I knew or heard stories that they have a crush on him.  It would make me so jealous, angry, and insecure about the situation.  I mean, the other girls were a lot skinnier, prettier, lighter skin tone, etc.    

Not to mention, he also had a lot of female friends/fans that always swarmed around him during break, lunch, afterschool, etc.  That it is literally impossible to go near him and talk to him without another girl trying to get his attention.  You know what’s really ironic though?  I found out that my secret crush didn’t have a girlfriend back in high school!!!  To this day he claims that he only had 1 girlfriend this whole time and that was after high school.  When I heard that I was like… ”What?!!!  Are you sure?!!!  You’re F…. lying…..no f…. way!!! Omigosh… maybe I could’ve had a shot with him back in high school if I told him I feel about him?”  And then I got sidetracked thinking he would never fall in love with a girl like me…and I was right cuz look at me now.  I used to be hung up on this guy since high school but never had the courage to tell him.  So where do I go from here?  I think I really stopped being obsessive about him?  Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen him in person since high school that I’m losing hope that he’ll ask me out, we randomly run into each other, or worse case scenario even if we do go out and then find out we’re not compatible after all these years obsessing over him.

Anyways, it’s time for me to move on.  It’s time for me to start a new chapter in my life.  I don’t want to be single anymore.  I want to find my husband and get married to him already.  Oh yeah, my secret admirer finally gave me a clue about him.  I know that he’s Chinese or ABC. A few weeks ago, my secret admirer left a long message on my home answering machine.  I think my secret admirer somehow got his family members to talk on the phone about me.  The 1^st person talking on phone was an older gentleman was speaking in Toishanese and said something like to whoever this is I hope/wish everything goes smoothly, and something like happy mother’s day and valentine’s day and you trust him.  And then I heard some random noise in the background as usual and then I think I heard his parents talking about him.  Something like his dad making fun of him and said I don’t understand why you can’t ask her will you be my girlfriend and that I’m a fox.  And then his mom was laughing in the background and said something like yeah, he’s not like this around other women but with this one…. And then the phone clicks.  I still don’t understand why the older gentleman left a message to tell me to trust him?  Trust what exactly? This secret admirer and I are not even in a relationship.  He still hasn’t revealed to me who he is.  Gosh, am I that embarrassing to even be seen or to even talk to?  I don’t understand how my secret admirer has been calling me since high school and still hasn’t revealed who he is?!!!  You know what? It’s fine, coz he also probably wants to get over this weird crush and move on already.  I mean, how is it possible that some Chinese or ABC guy actually likes me especially since I’m this size?!!!  I give up already… I’m not going to even bother figuring out this mysterious caller is anymore. I actually told some of my friends about this mysterious caller/ secret admirer and some say that he’s not MAN enough for you if he’s still too shy to talk to me and reveal who he is.  Some of them say that if he really likes you he would’ve said something by now.  I don’t know why would he be so shy talking to me though?  You know what? It doesn’t matter anymore.  He’s too shy talking to me but for some reason his own family knows about me?!!!      

WoW

Wow, I can’t believe it’s already April and in the year 2017.  I should really type more entries in my blog.  Anyways, I know I said I was supposed to lose weight last year and possibly attempt to contact my old crush last year.  Unfortunately looks like that’s not going to happen.  You know what really surprised me around NYE 2017 I suddenly decided to stop “stalking” my crush on social media and have not looked at his social media stuff since then….  Sigh, it is not easy though but I did not cheat and looked at his social media stuff since last year.  What made me suddenly decide to stop looking at his social media accounts and on of all days on NYE 2017?  Well, while I was looking at one of his accounts, I realized that this is getting me nowhere.  Especially since I always look but never actually go talk to him.  Gosh, why do I have to be such a big chicken?  I can’t even friend him on facebook or Instagram follower or even a simple “like” on his pics!  But it doesn’t matter, that’s all in the past.  If my secret crush was even interested in me he would’ve at least made an effort to talk to me back in high school, friend me on facebook, follow me on Instagram, “like” my pics, etc.  But that’s the thing, he never did.  I admit, there’s a part of me that’s hoping that he likes me and that he’s my secret admirer that’s been calling me all these years but I have to realize that it’s all a dream/fantasy.  I need to let him go.  I’m getting older and this is going nowhere.  I need to let him go and move on.  (A few years ago, I posted a journal entry about my secret admirer and hoping the universe will send him the message that I want him to send me a love letter but looks like that’s never going to happen.  I have a feeling that whoever is my secret admirer that he’s intimidated that I thought my secret admirer is someone else.  Well, that doesn’t matter anymore.  Both my secret crush and secret admirer is never going to contact me and just tell me the truth about how they feel about me.  I need to find a man that actually loves me and not ashamed/embarrassed to admit it.  I’m only getting older and can’t do anything to stop time.  Sigh, I want to find my true love already and get married to him already.  I guess I’ll never know the truth about how my secret crush really feels/thinks about me.  But I guess actions speaks louder than words in this situation.)