So Where Do I Go From Here?

Okay, so I crashed and burned and looked at my secret crush’s social media stuff back in June.  I got some pretty surprising results from that experience.  After taking a long break from looking at his social media accounts I somehow “friendzoned” him after looking at his accounts?  How some might ask?  Even I don’t know…all I know is that I’m not obsessive looking at his social media accounts anymore?  Maybe a part of me realizes that this is getting me nowhere since he never once contacted me or friended me or add me or etc. on the social media accounts.  Another part of me realizes that another reason that this is getting me nowhere is because I’m NOT putting myself out there and letting him know that I’m interested in him and put myself on the map to let him know that I exist.  Yes, I admit I feel soooo insecure about myself whenever I compare myself to other girls that could’ve been my secret crush’s girlfriend.  Especially back in high school, there’s so many girls that I knew or heard stories that they have a crush on him.  It would make me so jealous, angry, and insecure about the situation.  I mean, the other girls were a lot skinnier, prettier, lighter skin tone, etc.    

Not to mention, he also had a lot of female friends/fans that always swarmed around him during break, lunch, afterschool, etc.  That it is literally impossible to go near him and talk to him without another girl trying to get his attention.  You know what’s really ironic though?  I found out that my secret crush didn’t have a girlfriend back in high school!!!  To this day he claims that he only had 1 girlfriend this whole time and that was after high school.  When I heard that I was like… ”What?!!!  Are you sure?!!!  You’re F…. lying…..no f…. way!!! Omigosh… maybe I could’ve had a shot with him back in high school if I told him I feel about him?”  And then I got sidetracked thinking he would never fall in love with a girl like me…and I was right cuz look at me now.  I used to be hung up on this guy since high school but never had the courage to tell him.  So where do I go from here?  I think I really stopped being obsessive about him?  Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen him in person since high school that I’m losing hope that he’ll ask me out, we randomly run into each other, or worse case scenario even if we do go out and then find out we’re not compatible after all these years obsessing over him.

Anyways, it’s time for me to move on.  It’s time for me to start a new chapter in my life.  I don’t want to be single anymore.  I want to find my husband and get married to him already.  Oh yeah, my secret admirer finally gave me a clue about him.  I know that he’s Chinese or ABC. A few weeks ago, my secret admirer left a long message on my home answering machine.  I think my secret admirer somehow got his family members to talk on the phone about me.  The 1^st person talking on phone was an older gentleman was speaking in Toishanese and said something like to whoever this is I hope/wish everything goes smoothly, and something like happy mother’s day and valentine’s day and you trust him.  And then I heard some random noise in the background as usual and then I think I heard his parents talking about him.  Something like his dad making fun of him and said I don’t understand why you can’t ask her will you be my girlfriend and that I’m a fox.  And then his mom was laughing in the background and said something like yeah, he’s not like this around other women but with this one…. And then the phone clicks.  I still don’t understand why the older gentleman left a message to tell me to trust him?  Trust what exactly? This secret admirer and I are not even in a relationship.  He still hasn’t revealed to me who he is.  Gosh, am I that embarrassing to even be seen or to even talk to?  I don’t understand how my secret admirer has been calling me since high school and still hasn’t revealed who he is?!!!  You know what? It’s fine, coz he also probably wants to get over this weird crush and move on already.  I mean, how is it possible that some Chinese or ABC guy actually likes me especially since I’m this size?!!!  I give up already… I’m not going to even bother figuring out this mysterious caller is anymore. I actually told some of my friends about this mysterious caller/ secret admirer and some say that he’s not MAN enough for you if he’s still too shy to talk to me and reveal who he is.  Some of them say that if he really likes you he would’ve said something by now.  I don’t know why would he be so shy talking to me though?  You know what? It doesn’t matter anymore.  He’s too shy talking to me but for some reason his own family knows about me?!!!