Just Random Thoughts...

OMG…I can’t believe there was a shooting in my neighborhood/district.  Sure, my neighborhood has never been the best place to go when tourists go to San Francisco but of many years living in that district I’ve never heard about shootings in that area.   It’s kinda freaky how I was walking on that exact street a few hours earlier before the shooting took place.   I guess I got lucky that I wasn’t one of the victims of that shooting.  Just like today for example, I almost got hit by a black SUV today on the corner of Hillsdale mall and El Camino Real.  The driver was definitely not looking when it was my turn to cross the street.  Now that I think about it, I had other incidents where a big truck almost hit me on Ocean Street.  I had a lot of near death incidents when I was younger, like a big television set almost fell on me during the big earthquake in ’89, large pieces of tar mats shattered my bedroom windows during my sleep and flew on top of my bed (it’s a miracle that I was asleep during the crash and did not get scratched from the tar mats or broken pieces of glass on top of my blankets) I think that was when I was in 2^nd grade when that incident happened, I almost got hit by a car while I was on the bus back in middle school (which technically the car did hit the bus but fortunately it did not go through the bus and shattered the windows but I do remember sitting next to the window when it happened), and then I think I almost got *burned* really badly from my electric heater due to a malfunction (that happened just a few years ago).  Looking back at all these incidents it’s more than just luck that I was able to escape all these incidents unharmed.  I think God really has a purpose for me on earth and wants to save my life and protect me from getting killed because I need to fulfill my divine purpose on earth.  Whenever I’m feeling down or doubtful about my life I need to think about all the near death experiences that I was able to escape.  God really has a purpose for me!!!  Now, I need to keep praying to God and keep asking him what’s my divine purpose on earth?  Even if I have an idea of what I’m supposed to do I need to not care what people think or doubting myself.  If I don’t feel passionate in this “career” than either move on to a new career or keep going on until I succeed.

So Confused…

Okay, so I’m starting to think that my secret crush and the person that has been calling me all these years are two completely different people.  Man, I’m soooo confused who could this mysterious caller could be?!!! Especially since in one message on my home answering machine is in Cantonese and another one is in English/with some other foreign language.  Omigosh, I got really pissed off and upset after listening to  the most recent message on my home answering machine.  From what I understand after listening to the latest message a few times that there’s this guy that said that I need to get back from being thick to thin?  He said this word in a foreign language which I still have no idea what language that is?  But my best bet is that he wants me to lose weight.  I got sooo upset after listening to that message because it means that there’s someone (or some guys) that actually still likes me but won’t reveal who they are because I’m still fat.  It’s so confusing to figure out who these callers are because it could be one caller just different group of people calling me?  Or it could be two different callers speaking with their family or friends about me?  Anyways, I’m really upset and frustrated about this because this means that they’re ashamed to be seen with me because of my weight.  This secret admirer is confusing because he won’t reveal himself to me yet he still calls my home number and drives by my home in a white car flashing his headlights towards my window in the middle of the night.  It’s really bazaar cuz it’s like the driver in the white cars knows when I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night and purposely flash their headlights into my window.  As soon I look out the window this driver quickly drives away yet I still don’t know how the driver knows that I’m looking out the window though cuz I didn’t move my window blinds or turn on the lights??? Another bazaar thing is that this mysterious caller was talking about me with his group of friends and it sounded like they know a lot about my life which is really scary. I mean, how the hell do you know so much stuff about me?  It’s like this mysterious caller called a psychic or something and somehow got all the timing down to the dot.  But even if he did called a psychic there’s no way that a psychic could’ve gotten the time down to the dot.  Especially whenever I’m sleeping, how is it possible to know when I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night?  It’s like there’s a team of people cuz there’s this one time when I looked out the window to figure out who the hell this driver is and for some reason his phone lights up and he immediately drove away.  It’s like there’s someone on standby to text the driver to hurry up and drive away?  But still though how is this all possible though? And then on Christmas day 2017 when I went to the movie theatres with Alice and Janice I noticed this Asian man sitting nearby us in the lobby seats before the movie began.  I don’t know how to explain it but there was something about this Asian man that was familiar and suspicious about him?  I admit this Asian man doesn’t look like I’ve met him before.  However, I have to consider the fact that everyone looks different after high school.  I think my suspicion and intuition is actually right this time around cuz I saw this Asian man again at the Bart station today!!!  I’m still trying to figure out if this Asian man is in my grade or is an upper classmen from my high school? (One of Janice’s co-workers recognizes my face after we first met and she told me that she also has a twin!!!  I told Janice later after her co-worker left that I felt hella bad that I don’t recognize her especially since she’s an upper classmen at my high school!!!  How is it possible that a  senior remembers me, a freshmen at high school?  I understand that my high school is small but still there’s a lot of students at my high school compared to my middle school.)  I don’t know what to say…maybe it’s a coincidence about running into this Asian man at the Bart station today?  Weird?  Cuz let’s hypothetically say this Asian man is my secret admirer, wouldn’t it make sense to actually have a conversation with me instead of walking off very quickly? Whatever the situation is it’s like he knows when is the right time to run into me and get my attention? Let’s say this Asian man is in my grade back in high school, I would be hella surprised cuz he kinda looks a few grades older than me.  Despite what that stereotype/saying about Asian men don’t age as fast as Asian women do(I heard that saying a lot from other Asian women), I don’t know maybe he drank a lot of alcohol and smoked a lot cigars when he was in his twenties?  Or maybe he stresses out a lot, not enough sleep, partied too hard, etc.  I don’t know what it is about him but he had a serious look/ or maybe a nervous look on his face when he was sitting in the lobby sitting next to us at the movie theatre?  It’s weird cuz even though I’m pretty sure I’ve never met him before that look on his face in that moment in time looked familiar?  I think it’s possible it’s someone from my high school but it can’t be unless he doesn’t recognize me also?  Looks like I need to do some detective work and figure out who this is or at least the mysterious callers and drivers in the white cars driving by my window in the middle of the night!!!    I told my aunt about the messages on the answering machine and the white cars driving by my window in the middle of the night and she thinks it’s a coincidence and blew it off like it’s nothing. One of these days I going to get evidence for my aunt to listen to.  Sigh…I think she thinks I’m going crazy about this and I’m probably am cuz nobody believes me.  One of these days I will get evidence to prove to her that I’m right.  

So Where Do I Go From Here?

Okay, so I crashed and burned and looked at my secret crush’s social media stuff back in June.  I got some pretty surprising results from that experience.  After taking a long break from looking at his social media accounts I somehow “friendzoned” him after looking at his accounts?  How some might ask?  Even I don’t know…all I know is that I’m not obsessive looking at his social media accounts anymore?  Maybe a part of me realizes that this is getting me nowhere since he never once contacted me or friended me or add me or etc. on the social media accounts.  Another part of me realizes that another reason that this is getting me nowhere is because I’m NOT putting myself out there and letting him know that I’m interested in him and put myself on the map to let him know that I exist.  Yes, I admit I feel soooo insecure about myself whenever I compare myself to other girls that could’ve been my secret crush’s girlfriend.  Especially back in high school, there’s so many girls that I knew or heard stories that they have a crush on him.  It would make me so jealous, angry, and insecure about the situation.  I mean, the other girls were a lot skinnier, prettier, lighter skin tone, etc.    

Not to mention, he also had a lot of female friends/fans that always swarmed around him during break, lunch, afterschool, etc.  That it is literally impossible to go near him and talk to him without another girl trying to get his attention.  You know what’s really ironic though?  I found out that my secret crush didn’t have a girlfriend back in high school!!!  To this day he claims that he only had 1 girlfriend this whole time and that was after high school.  When I heard that I was like… ”What?!!!  Are you sure?!!!  You’re F…. lying…..no f…. way!!! Omigosh… maybe I could’ve had a shot with him back in high school if I told him I feel about him?”  And then I got sidetracked thinking he would never fall in love with a girl like me…and I was right cuz look at me now.  I used to be hung up on this guy since high school but never had the courage to tell him.  So where do I go from here?  I think I really stopped being obsessive about him?  Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen him in person since high school that I’m losing hope that he’ll ask me out, we randomly run into each other, or worse case scenario even if we do go out and then find out we’re not compatible after all these years obsessing over him.

Anyways, it’s time for me to move on.  It’s time for me to start a new chapter in my life.  I don’t want to be single anymore.  I want to find my husband and get married to him already.  Oh yeah, my secret admirer finally gave me a clue about him.  I know that he’s Chinese or ABC. A few weeks ago, my secret admirer left a long message on my home answering machine.  I think my secret admirer somehow got his family members to talk on the phone about me.  The 1^st person talking on phone was an older gentleman was speaking in Toishanese and said something like to whoever this is I hope/wish everything goes smoothly, and something like happy mother’s day and valentine’s day and you trust him.  And then I heard some random noise in the background as usual and then I think I heard his parents talking about him.  Something like his dad making fun of him and said I don’t understand why you can’t ask her will you be my girlfriend and that I’m a fox.  And then his mom was laughing in the background and said something like yeah, he’s not like this around other women but with this one…. And then the phone clicks.  I still don’t understand why the older gentleman left a message to tell me to trust him?  Trust what exactly? This secret admirer and I are not even in a relationship.  He still hasn’t revealed to me who he is.  Gosh, am I that embarrassing to even be seen or to even talk to?  I don’t understand how my secret admirer has been calling me since high school and still hasn’t revealed who he is?!!!  You know what? It’s fine, coz he also probably wants to get over this weird crush and move on already.  I mean, how is it possible that some Chinese or ABC guy actually likes me especially since I’m this size?!!!  I give up already… I’m not going to even bother figuring out this mysterious caller is anymore. I actually told some of my friends about this mysterious caller/ secret admirer and some say that he’s not MAN enough for you if he’s still too shy to talk to me and reveal who he is.  Some of them say that if he really likes you he would’ve said something by now.  I don’t know why would he be so shy talking to me though?  You know what? It doesn’t matter anymore.  He’s too shy talking to me but for some reason his own family knows about me?!!!      

WoW

Wow, I can’t believe it’s already April and in the year 2017.  I should really type more entries in my blog.  Anyways, I know I said I was supposed to lose weight last year and possibly attempt to contact my old crush last year.  Unfortunately looks like that’s not going to happen.  You know what really surprised me around NYE 2017 I suddenly decided to stop “stalking” my crush on social media and have not looked at his social media stuff since then….  Sigh, it is not easy though but I did not cheat and looked at his social media stuff since last year.  What made me suddenly decide to stop looking at his social media accounts and on of all days on NYE 2017?  Well, while I was looking at one of his accounts, I realized that this is getting me nowhere.  Especially since I always look but never actually go talk to him.  Gosh, why do I have to be such a big chicken?  I can’t even friend him on facebook or Instagram follower or even a simple “like” on his pics!  But it doesn’t matter, that’s all in the past.  If my secret crush was even interested in me he would’ve at least made an effort to talk to me back in high school, friend me on facebook, follow me on Instagram, “like” my pics, etc.  But that’s the thing, he never did.  I admit, there’s a part of me that’s hoping that he likes me and that he’s my secret admirer that’s been calling me all these years but I have to realize that it’s all a dream/fantasy.  I need to let him go.  I’m getting older and this is going nowhere.  I need to let him go and move on.  (A few years ago, I posted a journal entry about my secret admirer and hoping the universe will send him the message that I want him to send me a love letter but looks like that’s never going to happen.  I have a feeling that whoever is my secret admirer that he’s intimidated that I thought my secret admirer is someone else.  Well, that doesn’t matter anymore.  Both my secret crush and secret admirer is never going to contact me and just tell me the truth about how they feel about me.  I need to find a man that actually loves me and not ashamed/embarrassed to admit it.  I’m only getting older and can’t do anything to stop time.  Sigh, I want to find my true love already and get married to him already.  I guess I’ll never know the truth about how my secret crush really feels/thinks about me.  But I guess actions speaks louder than words in this situation.)

I only have 262 days to go before January 1st, 2017!!!

Which means that I only have 270 Days To Go Before My Next Birthday!!!  321 days before March. 1st, 2017!!!  I was talking to my friend Sara about some of my goals for 2016 and one of them happens to be to first lose 20 pounds and see how that goes for the year 2016.  I surprised Sara and myself when I found out that I already lost 13 pounds within the first month of the 90 day challenge!!!  I am so happy and glad that I already lost that much weight in the month of March 2016. The ironic part is that I didn’t really do any exercise for the 90 day challenge, I just did the diet part of this challenge.  LOL..Sara said that I should call this the 90 day diet since I’ve haven’t done the exercise part as part of the challenge.  I need to start exercising though since this week is considered week 6 of the 90 day challenge.  I’m proud of myself because I seriously didn’t think I would survive doing this diet within the first week of the 90 day challenge.  I seriously thought that I would give up after 3 days tops.  Who would’ve thought that I’m on week 7, Day 44 of the 90 day challenge and still going strong?  Especially since I don’t have much options on this diet.  Actually this meal plan is pretty repetitive eating the same stuff over and over every other day.  I try to switch it up now and then in order to keep it interesting.  A few of my friends have already asked me what am I going to do after the 90 day challenge is over?  I told them that I still don’t know yet especially since I’m not even not finished with the challenge.  Everybody thinks that I should continue on this diet or have a cheat day at least one to two days a week.  I need to push myself a lot harder to actually exercise everyday.  I need to remind myself that if I’m going to “suffer” going on this diet then I should also incorporate exercise that way I could see results faster!!!  Technically, I’m already more than halfway reaching my 20 pounds goal.  But I figured if I’m already losing weight and on this diet, then I might as well exercise too and try to lose more weight this year.  However, I need to keep my eye on the gold this year and don’t get easily discouraged, unmotivated, impatient, etc. because I’m not getting the results in time.  I’ve been repeating the same cycle for a long time now and I don’t want to waste anymore time doing that.  I guess that saying that “dieting is a lonely journey” is true.   Today, I went on the scale and it says that I lost 15.8 pounds!!! Yay, I’m almost at the 20 pound mark!!!  Now, that I’m eating healthier for the past 44 days, I gotta include some kind of exercise and do it everyday inorder to see results faster.  I really really need to remind and motivate myself everyday why I’m doing this.  

MAYBE...it's time to let go?!!!

OMG…it’s kinda embarrassing to read a lot of my old journal entries on this blog.  Hehe…especially the part where I keep repeating myself about my problems over the years.  Like damn…I really got it BAD if I keep repeating about my secret crush and how I keep wussing out about asking him out.  Sigh, I dunno what I’m going to do about myself.  After reading many of my old journal entries on this blog, I realize that only I can control my own HAPPINESS and that no one can do it for me except me.  I mean I’m sure there’s some exceptions like God has certain plans for you and that you will need to go through some trials and obstacles inorder to grow and mature from that event/experience.  Or that there’s some things that nobody can escape especially if it’s it your fate/ destiny.  Omg, why am I still not over him by now?!!! I dunno…seems like this “crush” is starting to turn into an obsession.  There are many reasons why I’m scared to go ask him out like number # 1 he will most likely reject me, number # 2 he might turn out to be a douchebag and say shitty things to my face and hurt my feelings and hurt me sooo bad that I might never want to go out with anyone(?), number # 3 what if he does say yes and it turns out we are not compatiable at all?, etc.  But seriously though Anita  what if my secret crush does say yes, and it turns out that we’re really compatiable and have more things in common than you thought we would?  I dunno…anything is possible but I highly doubt it will work out coz of what other people keep telling me.  Even I doubt it will work out coz we’re like complete opposites.  I mean, if he was interested in me wouldn’t he have tried talking to me by now?  At least be Facebook friends or something?  I mean omg, how come after all these years since high school I never once seen him, run into him in public?  Sigh, I dunno why the universe never let our lives collide since high school?  Okay, I can complain and whine all I want why our lives never run into each other or I can actually take action and DO something about it?  I don’t want to be the girl that always wondered about the what if’s scenerios and if only I did this and that, etc., etc. etc.
Omg…I wish I didn’t have so many problems in my life.  I wish that I was thin already coz that would help boost my self-esteem and confidence a lot to ask him out a loooooong time ago.  Maybe…I should forget about him coz if he really did liked me he would’ve asked me out a looong time ago.  He probably doesn’t like me coz I’m too fat and not attractive at all.  Which is a major problem that’s been in my subconscious ever since the beginning.  Omg, I should’ve talked to him when I was considered “thin” back in Freshmen and beginning of Sophomore year of high school.  Grr…I wish the timing the right back then but it wasn’t which was a major problem.
    Okay, Anita listen to yourself.  YOU SOUND RIDICULIOUS, PATHETIC, DESPARATE, A HOPELESS SAD CASE, AND NOT TO MENTION OBCESSIVE LOSER!!!  It’s been years since you last saw him, if you really wanted to ask him out you would’ve asked him out a loooooooong time ago.  Like damn…how many times must we hear you constantly writing about him.  TAKE ACTION, DON’T SIT AROUND AND FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF…YOU’VE ALREADY WASTED A LARGE PORTION OF YOUR YOUTH DOING THAT AND THAT’S OBVIOUSLY NOT GETTING YOU ANYWHERE!!!  YES, I KNOW IT’S PARTIALLY NOT ALL YOUR FAULT AND THAT YOU HAVE GOOD MEDICAL REASONS WHY YOU NEVER ASKED HIM OUT BUT NOW IS THE TIME TO TAKE ACTION AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!  I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU KEEP PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID THAT PEOPLE WILL JUDGE YOU ONCE THEY FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR HEALTH PROBLEMS BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, IT’S TIME TO LET PEOPLE INTO YOUR LIFE AGAIN.  YOU DON’T HAVE TO LET THEM KNOW ABOUT YOUR HEALTH ISSUES BUT AT LEAST START LIVING YOUR LIFE.  LET’S SAY THAT YOU HYPOTPATHETICALLY LOSE A SIGNIGICANT AMOUNT OF WEIGHT THIS YEAR AND YOU DID ASK HIM OUT BUT HE GENTLY REJECTED YOU, THEN WHAT?   IT’S EITHER NOW OR NEVER THAT YOU GET OVER HIM BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.  DON’T YOU SEE ANITA? IF HE WAS EVEN INTERESTED IN YOU HE WOULD’VE TALKED TO YOU BY NOW!  I KNOW ANITA, THERE’S A PART OF YOU THAT REALLY WISHED THAT HE IS YOUR SECRET ADMIRER THAT HAS BEEN CALLING YOU ALL THESE YEARS BUT COME ON NOW LET’S BE REAL HERE! LIKE WHAT SARA HAS SAID THIS IS GETTING NOWHERE IF NOBODY REVEAL THEMSELVES TO EACH AND CONFESS HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER!!!  I DUNNO ANITA…MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIND SOMEONE ELSE THAT IS SERIOUS ABOUT YOU AND ACTUALLY WANT TO MARRY YOU?  LOOK ANITA, I THINK YOU SHOULD LOSE A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF WEIGHT FIRST, WORK ON YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM WHILE YOU’RE AT THAT, AND ALSO WORK ON YOUR HOBBIES AND INTERESTS.  ONCE YOU WORK ON ALL OF THESE DIFFERENT SECTIONS OF YOUR LIFE THEN YOU SHOULD FINALLY ASK HIM OUT.  THAT WAY YOU WON’T BE DISAPPOINTED AND HEART-BROKEN IF HE REJECTS YOU OR BREAKS UP WITH YOU IF YOU EVER GET THE CHANCE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.  YOU WILL REALIZE THAT YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT AND THAT THERE’S PLENTLY OF FISH IN THE SEA.  

Random Spontaneous Night To See One Republic!!!

Holy crap, I don’t know what happen but I’m glad that I came home at the right time that day!!!  Good thing I went home at that time otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten to see One Republic perform at the Bill Graham Center that night for free!!!  Alice was going leave soon and told me that she has an extra ticket to see One Republic at this after party.  It was really last minute because she only gave me an hour to go get ready before we left the house.  (The reason that Alice invited me at the very last minute was because I was her last choice to invite….but oh well, I got to see One Republic perform for free)!!!  I mean, the feeling was so surreal because we saw Ryan Tedder (the lead singer of One Republic) perform right in front of us.  I got to stand in the 1^st row, I know I was that close that it felt like Ryan was serenading me his songs the whole time!!!  AWESOME!!!  At that moment in time while I was watching One Republic perform I felt that God was in my presence by giving me a taste of what he can do in my life and much much more in my life.  I just need to surrender my problems to God and HAVE FAITH that God will bless my life.  (The tricky part for me is to not worry, stress, or have anxiety thinking about the future relating to my problems.  I just need to be patient and focus on God.  Never compare myself to others because “to compare is to despair”!!!  A friend at church told me that once I surrender all my problems to God, I need to remember to not coming back to the problems.  She said it’s like giving someone a gift or flowers to an alter and after awhile you want the gift or flowers back it’s considered disrespect because you don’t ask for it back after you give it to someone.)  During one of the songs I was thinking how God has already pre-arranged everything and made sure that I was able to see and enjoy One Republic perform for free!!!  God is Amazing because I never thought I could see them perform live, so close to the stage, and for free!!!   I thank God for my sister’s friend giving my sis an extra ticket to this after party.   Sometimes I wonder what did I do to deserve this blessing?  I did nothing different except started going to church and have been almost consistent attending church for almost a year now. I also took notes in my purple notebook everytime I go to church.  Which reminds me I’m also grateful that I was able to see Joel Osteen and his family at the AT&T park giving motivational speeches about God called “A Night To Remember” with my friend back in July.  I never thought in a million years that I would able to see Joel Osteen talk about God unless I traveled to Houston, Texas and it was even better than I thought it would be because I saw his whole family and even saw his two teenage kids perform on stage.  LOL…I knew about a lot of the stories that Joel, his wife, and his mom told about their life stories that night.  (It’s probably because I have a lot of Joel’s books.)   Anyways, I admit that it’s hard for me to surrender my problems because religion is a new thing for me.  But I’m slowly learning to trust God and HAVE FAITH that God will take care of me and will continue to bless me with everything I need and much much more!!!