OMG…I seriously got some issues always thinking about
him. Sigh, I know it’s been years since
I last saw him but damnit, why am I still not thinking about someone else? I want to know more about him but then
another part of me don’t want to get too close with anybody right now…..especially
him due to certain circumstances. There’s
just too many issues that I have to deal with like my multiple health problems,
figuring out if he’s interested in me or not, etc. There’s also the problem of me trying to not
let him know what I’m diagnosed with. I
mean, I know even if it’s not him that I’m going to be with for the rest of my
life, I someday still need to tell whoever the guy is what I have. One of my biggest fears is that I tell my
significant other what I’m diagnosed with and that he leaves me for someone
else because he doesn’t understand or won’t accept the fact that I’m
different.
My friends tell me that I should stop thinking so low of
myself and start having higher self-esteem and confidence for myself. Even my social worker and doctors say that I
should stop thinking I’m sick and try thinking that I’m a normal healthy
person. Despite the fact that I have to
take my meds for the rest of my life, my doctor said that I can still live a normal
life. God, I wish I could make all this
emotional pain go away. I’ve been
praying and praying that God/ Buddha/ Creator(s) of the Universe would help me
get through this. Sigh, I wish that if I
ever find the right guy that he would not leave me and try to understand me and
what I’m going through.
Right now, I got to focus on my health because tonight I think
I’m discovering more new health problems that I’ve hadn’t thought of getting
checked out before. Sigh, why me? How do I tell someone that I’m interested in
without scaring him away with all the health problems I have?!!! Geez…this is getting ridiculous…I really need
to get over him…..especially since we weren’t meant to be together. Sigh, it’s easier said than done though…but I
need to because he deserves better. He
deserves to be with someone that is worth his time and is someone that makes
him happy. Sigh, I wish I could scream
and cry right now because I don’t want to be me anymore…..I wish I could be
someone else.
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