I know I shouldn’t worry about finding love and at the right
time, but I can’t help it though. I see
so many people getting married at a young age and it makes me wonder will I
ever get married? I mean, right now I’m
in no hurry to get married but I wouldn’t mind finding love and actually
experience romance with my significant other.
It seems like my timing on love is like so way off because it’s like it
is the right place but wrong time.
Sometimes I feel like love never comes into my life because I don’t want
it to attract it. I guess I don’t find
love because of the emotional baggage from my past.
I think I don’t want to attract love into my life because what
has happened to me when I was in the 5th grade. One of my male classmates kept sexually
harassing me at school. This kid was
like an obsessive, perverted, little creep.
That former classmate kept saying and doing inappropriate behaviors and
gestures toward me. I would always
dreaded going to school during that year because of the creepiness from that
kid. I mean, if I tell you the stuff he
would do you would probably think this kid is too perverted for his age. While others might think it’s cute,
hilarious, or normal for age to like this.
God, if people only knew what I went through growing up in an abnormal
childhood.
This little creeper would always stare at my face and my
body. There were a few occasions where
he would come so close to my face and I immediately told him to don’t touch
me. He would then get “creative” and would
get really close looking at me and saying that he’s not touching me and that’s
he’s just looking. There were times he
would make comments like “Anita, you should do something about you’re pores,”
after coming so close looking at my face.
He would say other things like “Anita what do you look like with makeup?” Or “Anita you should wear clothes similar to
what the other girls are wearing.” His
obsession got crazier and crazier throughout that school year that I was always
afraid to be around him at school. He
got so obsessive that he would start looking at my breast, and make sexual
comments to me while I was in class. He would always say, “Anita pink is your
color and that you should always wear it.”
I would get self-conscious eating certain foods around him because he
would still come up with something inappropriate to say to me. Like those times when I was eating a tootsie
roll pop, he would always say “Anita, how many licks does it take to get to the
center of the tootsie roll pop?” When
that little creeper heard from the other classmates that they saw me eating a
banana or hotdog at lunchtime, he just had to say oh man, I wish I was there
and actually asked the girls that were around me what it was like? It got so crazy that whenever he looked at
me, he would tell me that his whole body gets tingly whenever he looks at me
and that he has a “present” to show me!!!
Can you believe that?!!! The
obsession got so crazy that perverted creep tried to give me money to have sex
with him!!! I think I was totally
traumatized from that year and dealing with boys that I think I actually stop
trying to look like a girl? I mean, that
would explain why I stopped wearing so much pink after that year? And how I never wear makeup, put my hair
down, and never grow it out pass my shoulders since that year?!!! Or how I
never buy clothes that the other girls wear….because I don’t want to attract
anyone to sexually harass me again! Not
only that I couldn’t really tell my problems to my parents because I could
never tell my parents about my problems.
I told my female teacher in the very beginning of the school year and
she did something about it. However, it
didn’t help because his crazy obsession.
Or when my female teacher told another female teacher about how that
little creeper always gets hard whenever he looks at me, and how she asked
which one is she? That teacher responded
by saying the one in pink and how the other teacher looked at me and said “oh
yeah, I can see why!” And then both
teachers were giggling about it and I overheard them say we’ll talk about this
later.
I’m sooo surprised that practically most of the female
students in my class helped me out since they knew that I couldn’t stand up for
myself or defend myself. I’m grateful
that the creeper’s cousin kicked his ass for me and actually kicked his nuts
during class one time. I think all the
girls felt sorry for me because I would always look down and had a hard time
defending myself whenever that pervert was around. Basically all the girls were on the lookout
and made sure that creeper doesn’t lay a finger on me. Now, I’m wondering if I stopped wearing a
dress to school because of the comments that the creepy bastard said to
me? I remember there was one year back in
the fourth grade where everyone was wearing sweats and I was the only one
wearing pink sweats. Now, I’m trying to
think hard about this, did I start a trend because of my “cuteness”? Well, I remember in the 5th grade
all the popular girls were already wearing clothes from forever 21 and were
making comments like all the cool girls wear clothes from forever 21, old navy,
etc. It was funny how they said it
though because the way they say it was as if they wanted me to dress up like
them? Omg, I hope I didn’t have a lot of
the guys in my grade and the older grades had a secret crush on me?!!! Well, that would explain why a lot of the
girls wore those fleece sweaters similar to what I wore back in middle school. Nah, it couldn’t be though cuz the whole school
wore those fleece sweaters. I mean, that
was the trend back then in middle school.
Now the sweat pants back in grade school I can’t explain that….I just
noticed that the girls kept saying that gray sweatpants are the coolest pants
to wear and that the guys kept saying no it isn’t, pink is more feminine. Sigh…I guess I’ll never know the truth.
Opps…going a little off topic here, anyways this year I told
my social worker about my past and he said that it all depends on me and how I
want to deal with my past incidents. I
could either stay stuck in the past or move on.
I told my social worker that I never realized that I’m still holding on
to the emotional baggage from my past and how I never realized it until I read
this book. After reading this book it
made think about my past and how I would go through all these traumatic
experiences from my this creepy pervert.
I guess I never thought about it because I was busy trying to figure out
how to look “cute” in order to attract my past crush and in the meanwhile try
to look unattractive towards that creepy little obsessive pervert. I really stopped looking like a girl after
that year, and started dressing unattractive that way I wouldn’t attract any
more attention from anyone. I also
notice that ever since my last “real” crush in the 5th grade that I
always compare every guy that I was sort of interested in to my former
crush. Even the guys I’ve seen at my
high school or other schools. I don’t
know what it is though, I don’t know if my heart won’t let me fall again after
going through traumatic experiences in the 5th grade or that I don’t
trust people especially males in general or that I really liked my former crush
that I won’t let him go? I think I’m
over him though, cuz I saw his picture on facebook and didn’t feel anything
though. Now, I’m trying to figure out
the guy that I sort of have a “crush” on from high school, is he someone that I
really like or that I really want to fall in love again that I needed to find a
substitute for love? I don’t know
anymore…I should’ve tried to talk to him when I had the chance. But what can I say it was the right place but
right wrong timing due to my health problems.
Wow, I can’t believe even to this day that I still look unattractive and
don’t even try to look like a girl anymore.
I know I should dress and look more girly but it’s like my heart, body,
and soul is really scared that the obsessions from guy(s) might come back
again. Omg…I really don’t know what to
do cuz of course I want to look like a girl again but then another part of me
is scared that guy(s) might get obsessive again. I really need to get over the past and don’t
let the past get in the way of my future.
Damn it, because of my timing and other circumstances I missed so many
opportunities to find someone and actually fall in love with them. According to the book that I read it says
that people that went through traumatic experiences from their past will gain
weight and that their body will resist losing the weight. The body wants to protect themselves from
harm by using fat as a form of protection.
I sort of agree with that what that book says, now I need to learn to
let go of the past. I know, the weight
is partially the medications fault because I gained so much weight in just one
year back in high school. Whatever the
reasons for the weight gain and how my body is resisting to lose the weight at
a faster rate, I just hope I can lose the weight within a certain time fame. I
really need to move on and live my life.
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