I can’t believe June is almost over…

Omg… I wish I could stop time because it’s moving too fast.  Sigh, pretty soon the remaining 6 months of 2013 will be over and I’m going to complain about how I let another year go by without accomplishing anything again.  (Well, not for the year 2013 because I did accomplish some things so far this year.  Like I finally got my license, lost some weight, and hopefully pass this damn English class this summer in order to either get my AA degree or to transfer to somewhere.)  Anyways, my new year’s resolution for every year is to lose weight and finally be 110 pounds.  I know, I just lost like 14 pounds and have a long way to go in order to become 110 pounds!  But I should at least keep up the good work and continue on with my weight loss journey.  Don’t give up or get lazy once the class, semester, the year is over, just keep going on until I reach my long term goal.  Remember, Anita that I need to be consistent, determined, and to stay motivated throughout this long weight loss journey.  You can do this Anita, I know I can!  For once in my life be the strong one and don’t go for the usual lazy and sorry self.  Don’t you want to be happy and healthy for once in your life?  Well, here’s your chance Anita…take it and make good use of your golden opportunity before it’s too late.  I do not want to die from a disease that I’ve could’ve prevented if I just lost the weight.       

When will I ever get out of this rut/limbo/chapter in my life???

Okay, so I’m at a point in my life where I want to change my life for the better.  I do not want to stay in this rut forever!  I feel that my life is an empty, sad, pathetic, lonely, pitiful journey.  In the past, I would always use to say that my life is like a sad movie that keeps replaying over and over the same scene.  Sigh, I don’t know anymore, it’s like sometimes I wonder is there more to my life than what I’m going through.  I know I went through a lot and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I actually went through my suicidal attempts back in high school?  I mean, there were many incidents where I wanted or did get a knife and was going to try to stab myself in the heart but never got the nerve to go through it because I guess my intuition was telling me that something is better in my life, I just got to be patient and discover what that something is in my future.  Well, I never discovered what that something is in my future and it’s been like 10 years since I’ve tried to attempt suicide.  I feel like my patience is running low and that I need to just hang in there. 

You know, it’s so ironic that over 10 years ago my friend (who passed away in his sleep in 2010) was actually the person on the phone that I was talking to before I tried to hurt myself.  In a way, he saved my life and stopped me from my 1^st suicidal attempt.  I can’t believe he passed away in his sleep, he never got to see me reach my dreams/goals in life.  I mean, I never expected that he would pass away like that especially at a young age.  My friend loved life and life loved him, if anything I should’ve died first due to the crazy attempts to hurt myself.  Sometimes, I feel guilty that I’m still living and he passed away just like that.  Last year, when I was still 25 years old, I was thinking to myself, “omg this is the year my friend would’ve have gotten married if he was still alive.”  But what do I know?  I mean, I remembered when my friend wrote in my other friend’s yearbook that we need to visit him in the Philippines for his wedding, when we were like 15 years old.  Oh god, I always knew that I would be the last one in our group to find love because of a lot issues I have.  But looking back in the past, there’s a lot of things that my deceased friend told me that he looks forward in his future and in my future as well, but those dreams never came to pass.

Maybe I should make a list of things to look forward to in my future.  I should remind myself that everyday is a gift especially since I’m still alive.  Plus, I should remind myself that I’m grateful that my friend saved my life.  Even though he has passed away, I’m going to attempt to fulfill his wishes/hopes/dreams he had for me.  To Be Continued...            

How I'm Feeling Right Now...

    As I’m writing in this journal entry, I’m having mild chest pains.  I don’t know why but these last few days my heart has been hurting me.  Omg, I hope my heart is not going to have problems or even worse I die all of a sudden due to my heart.  I had a friend that passed away in his sleep due to heart problems which was really random because he doesn’t even have any heart problems.  To be honest, I’m really surprised that he passed away first in our group of friends.  I really thought that I was going to die first by the way I was eating and having a sedentary lifestyle.  Man, I was so upset when I found out that my friend passed away that I said to my friend that it’s not fair, he’s too young to pass away, if anything I should’ve been that passed away first before my friend.  I mean, my friend that passed away in his sleep he had a lot going on for him.  He had only one year left in college before he could graduate, he has a large group of friends, big family, and was actually happy in life when he moved back to his motherland with his mom and sister.  I know that he passed away as a happy man who lived life to the fullest and had no regrets in life.  To be honest, when I first found out how he passed away, I had a tough time falling asleep worried that I might next.  Omg, I think this coming July is exactly 3 years ago since he passed away.  Man, I can’t believe it’s been that long ago since he passed away.  I miss him, R.I.P. buddy we’ll always remember the good times we had with you.  My friend was so full of life, charisma, and that life treated him well.

    Omg, it’s almost been three years since he passed away and that I still haven’t progressed in life.  Especially in losing the weight,  I thought I learned my lesson after I found out about my friend’s death.  I have to be serious about losing the weight this year because of the other health problems that my weight is causing me to develop.  I really need to lose the weight especially in the midsection of my body because for some reason that’s where most of my fat is stored. So far, I lost like 14 pounds this semester, and I have to keep on losing more so that I can reverse of my health problems caused by my weight.  I really think I’m carrying a lot of emotional baggage from my past which is why all this excess weight won’t go away.  I really need to re-read that book about carrying the excess weight due to the emotional pain from my past. 

   I have a lot of self- reflecting about my life.  I’m starting to think maybe the universe is really trying to tell me something.  Like maybe the universe won’t let me “progress” in life until I figure out something.  However, I really don’t know what the universe wants me to figure out though, maybe change my major, lose the weight first, write my novel, reflect on the emotional pains from my past and release them, figure out what I really want out of life, etc.  Or maybe all of the above and more.  Whatever it is that the universe wants me to figure out, I need to find the answer asap because I don’t want to be stuck in limbo forever.  Omg, I’ve been in this rut for sooooo long it’s really time for move on in life.       

Should I make a compromise with my childhood “friend”?

    Ah, what’s the use?  I mean, she even admits that my sister puts me down a lot and I was thinking, “What!  You knew what was going on this whole time and never bothered to help me out and defend me?”  But, I knew it’s no use saying that to my “friend” because she would probably won’t give me a direct answer and would side with my sister before she would even be on my side.  You know, for once I would like to my childhood “friend” stick up for me against my sister instead of not speaking up and saying that she’s in the middle and doesn’t want to get involved or help my sister insult me just for the hell of it.  God, I’m so sick of this abusive, sick, twisted, toxic friendship with my childhood “friend”.  I really need to get out of this abusive relationship/friendship because it's really not healthy for me to keep my emotions bottled up this whole time.  Just look at me, Anita…at the rate I’m going health-wise…I just might die early due to a physical or emotional problem.  One of my good friends told me that I totally need to stop worrying because she saw this article online that people who stress a lot die early of cancer.  When she told me that, I was freaked out and convinced that I totally need to stop stressing out so easily.  However, I totally need to eliminate as much of the toxic relationships in my life, in order to live a more healthy and balanced life emotionally and physically.

    I’m just sick and tired of my sister and childhood “friend” taking out their anger at me especially my sister and then later on shower me with gifts as a form of an apology for the shitty things she said to me.  You know, it still hurts when Alice called me, “Shut up, you useless piece of shit!”  I can’t believe my own sister would call me that and that she never apologized for saying that to me.  My mom and aunt just apologized for her and said that to just ignore her and that she’s probably stressed out from work and school.  I can’t believe my own sister won’t even apologize for something terrible like that.  It’s no wonder that my sister would later shower me gifts like going to Seattle and the Lion King tickets for birthday celebrations.  Now that I think of it, I bet she’s trying to make up for the shitty things she said to me the previous months before.  Damn, and I’m going on a Disneyland trip with them this summer too for my childhood “friend’s” late birthday celebration.  I have to go because the tickets are already booked.  Sigh, what am I going to do?  I really need to speak up again before the trip otherwise I will feel shitty afterwards.  I have a feeling that they are going to say something or do something shitty to me if I don’t speak up again and tell them how I feel.

    I do not want to be Alice’s personal punching bag anymore.  If she wants to take out her anger on someone it better be someone or something else other than me.  I really need to stand up for myself against the mean people in my life. 

This Nightmare Has Got To Stop!!!

    Sigh,  I don’t know where to begin but this nightmare that I’ve been living for all my life has got to stop!!!  I know there are some things that out of my control and that I either let time take over or I finally get up from the ground and start living again despite my circumstances.  One of my problems is that I haven’t been living my life to the fullest due to my health, people that I surround myself with all the time, insecurities, etc. 

   Yesterday, I realized that while I was hanging out with one of my oldest friends from childhood that…I have no boundaries between her and me.  Meaning that this childhood friend does and say anything to me and that she gets away with it without anyone punishing her.  Oh my god,  I don’t want to be in this abusive twisted toxic friendship anymore!!!  Sure, it’s easier said than done to break off the friendship but it’s more complicated than that too.  My sister is also friends with her and that whenever they are together they both gang up on me and put me down and insulting me just for the fun of it.  I can’t believe I never try told both of them how I feel about it and how should stop it.  Well, I did say something when I was younger but they never got the message. God, I’m so stupid to keep hanging around them since elementary school all the way to…..this current day.  All I know if the day ever happens when I break it off the friendship with my childhood friend it’s going to be hella awkward for everyone. Especially since my dad plays mah joong with her parents, my sister is like best friends with her( my own sister has defended her and be on her side before and would rather be help her before she would help me and back me up), my immediate family knows her and would ask me why I’m not talking to her, etc. 

    Sigh, I don’t know what to do anymore….cuz my two other friends from childhood have also warned me about her since elementary school up to this very day and that I shouldn’t be friends with her.  God, why am I so stupid when it comes to friendships?  I told my two other friends from childhood since elementary up to now different reasons/excuses why I don’t try to break it off.  Both of my friends keep saying the same thing and they both tell me that they don’t know why I do this to myself?  Both of them say that they know that I know that she’s abusing me by treating me badly and it seems like I forget about it or something and pretend that nothing happened and keep coming back to her.  I’ve to got to stop the cycle of abuse because look at me right now Anita!  I’m not HAPPY in life right now, I haven’t been HAPPY for a long time now.  God, I’m sick and tired of me being UNHAPPY and letting my “friend” and sister walk over me like a doormat!  I know I really need to cut off this toxic friendship but I can’t because of the complications.  But I know I have to because my health.  I know she’s not the reason why I have this serious health problem, but you never know she could’ve been since I’ve been bottling up these emotions for so long.  I resent the fact that when I told my “friend” back in high school what I was diagnosed with that summer after I got out of the hospital and that when I went to her school she really ignored me and just hanged out with her friends.  I should’ve of said something before I transferred back to OHS.   Let’s just say TN was very overwhelming for me especially in my weak health condition.

    You know, it’s kind of ironic that I originally decided to go to OHS when I had to decide which high school I should go to after middle school.  I told people different reasons but the real reason was that I really wanted to get away from her and my sister and start a new life, a chapter of my life by going to a different high school from everyone I knew from my past.  Well, I told some of my close girlfriends why I wanted to go to OHS.  I don’t think even to this day that my sister and “friend” knows the real reason why I originally went there.  I can’t believe that I ended up going back to OHS because of them again!