Sigh, I don’t know where to begin but this
nightmare that I’ve been living for all my life has got to stop!!! I know there are some things that out of my
control and that I either let time take over or I finally get up from the
ground and start living again despite my circumstances. One of my problems is that I haven’t been
living my life to the fullest due to my health, people that I surround myself
with all the time, insecurities, etc.
Yesterday,
I realized that while I was hanging out with one of my oldest friends from
childhood that…I have no boundaries between her and me. Meaning that this childhood friend does and
say anything to me and that she gets away with it without anyone punishing her. Oh my god,
I don’t want to be in this abusive twisted toxic friendship anymore!!! Sure, it’s easier said than done to break off
the friendship but it’s more complicated than that too. My sister is also friends with her and that
whenever they are together they both gang up on me and put me down and
insulting me just for the fun of it. I
can’t believe I never try told both of them how I feel about it and how should
stop it. Well, I did say something when
I was younger but they never got the message. God, I’m so stupid to keep hanging
around them since elementary school all the way to…..this current day. All I know if the day ever happens when I
break it off the friendship with my childhood friend it’s going to be hella awkward
for everyone. Especially since my dad plays mah joong with her parents, my
sister is like best friends with her( my own sister has defended her and be on
her side before and would rather be help her before she would help me and back
me up), my immediate family knows her and would ask me why I’m not talking to her,
etc.
Sigh, I
don’t know what to do anymore….cuz my two other friends from childhood have
also warned me about her since elementary school up to this very day and that I
shouldn’t be friends with her. God, why
am I so stupid when it comes to friendships?
I told my two other friends from childhood since elementary up to now
different reasons/excuses why I don’t try to break it off. Both of my friends keep saying the same thing
and they both tell me that they don’t know why I do this to myself? Both of them say that they know that I know
that she’s abusing me by treating me badly and it seems like I forget about it
or something and pretend that nothing happened and keep coming back to
her. I’ve to got to stop the cycle of
abuse because look at me right now Anita!
I’m not HAPPY in life right now, I haven’t been HAPPY for a long time
now. God, I’m sick and tired of me being
UNHAPPY and letting my “friend” and sister walk over me like a doormat! I know I really need to cut off this toxic
friendship but I can’t because of the complications. But I know I have to because my health. I know she’s not the reason why I have this
serious health problem, but you never know she could’ve been since I’ve been
bottling up these emotions for so long.
I resent the fact that when I told my “friend” back in high school what
I was diagnosed with that summer after I got out of the hospital and that when
I went to her school she really ignored me and just hanged out with her
friends. I should’ve of said something
before I transferred back to OHS. Let’s
just say TN was very overwhelming for me especially in my weak health
condition.
You know,
it’s kind of ironic that I originally decided to go to OHS when I had to decide
which high school I should go to after middle school. I told people different reasons but the real
reason was that I really wanted to get away from her and my sister and start a
new life, a chapter of my life by going to a different high school from
everyone I knew from my past. Well, I
told some of my close girlfriends why I wanted to go to OHS. I don’t think even to this day that my sister
and “friend” knows the real reason why I originally went there. I can’t believe that I ended up going back to
OHS because of them again!
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