When will I ever get out of this rut/limbo/chapter in my life???

Okay, so I’m at a point in my life where I want to change my life for the better.  I do not want to stay in this rut forever!  I feel that my life is an empty, sad, pathetic, lonely, pitiful journey.  In the past, I would always use to say that my life is like a sad movie that keeps replaying over and over the same scene.  Sigh, I don’t know anymore, it’s like sometimes I wonder is there more to my life than what I’m going through.  I know I went through a lot and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I actually went through my suicidal attempts back in high school?  I mean, there were many incidents where I wanted or did get a knife and was going to try to stab myself in the heart but never got the nerve to go through it because I guess my intuition was telling me that something is better in my life, I just got to be patient and discover what that something is in my future.  Well, I never discovered what that something is in my future and it’s been like 10 years since I’ve tried to attempt suicide.  I feel like my patience is running low and that I need to just hang in there. 

You know, it’s so ironic that over 10 years ago my friend (who passed away in his sleep in 2010) was actually the person on the phone that I was talking to before I tried to hurt myself.  In a way, he saved my life and stopped me from my 1^st suicidal attempt.  I can’t believe he passed away in his sleep, he never got to see me reach my dreams/goals in life.  I mean, I never expected that he would pass away like that especially at a young age.  My friend loved life and life loved him, if anything I should’ve died first due to the crazy attempts to hurt myself.  Sometimes, I feel guilty that I’m still living and he passed away just like that.  Last year, when I was still 25 years old, I was thinking to myself, “omg this is the year my friend would’ve have gotten married if he was still alive.”  But what do I know?  I mean, I remembered when my friend wrote in my other friend’s yearbook that we need to visit him in the Philippines for his wedding, when we were like 15 years old.  Oh god, I always knew that I would be the last one in our group to find love because of a lot issues I have.  But looking back in the past, there’s a lot of things that my deceased friend told me that he looks forward in his future and in my future as well, but those dreams never came to pass.

Maybe I should make a list of things to look forward to in my future.  I should remind myself that everyday is a gift especially since I’m still alive.  Plus, I should remind myself that I’m grateful that my friend saved my life.  Even though he has passed away, I’m going to attempt to fulfill his wishes/hopes/dreams he had for me.  To Be Continued...